I knew it would be a process. With such a dramatic lifestyle change and life change, it had to be. And given how sudden and unprecedented all this is, I had no idea where I would go.
Today I feel like there has been a big shifting and settling. After the initial shock (3 weeks for me - of trying to work but just staring into space processing it all), then came the “fill-in” time - the trying to make some semblance of day-to-day work until it’s over, but unsettled and unable.
Over the weeks and months since lock-down, as I gathered the bits and pieces of information from the media, from articles, from friends, from facebook, from clients, and from suppliers, I now have enough pieces to realize that it will be years until it is “over”, and we will never go back.
A sliver of comparison was the Christmas after 9/11 when I went to Disney on Ice, and on the way out saw law enforcement with machine guns strategically positioned around the building - and with shock realized that moms and kids are a juicy target for terrorists. It shook me to my core. In Canada. But for the most part, life then went on as usual. This is different. Life is not going on as usual.
The easing of self-isolation that has begun doesn’t mean the virus will spread more slowly or to fewer people. It means that there is medical care for those who venture out and get sick. And those people who go first, and venture out, are likely to be those who are less concerned anyway, and likely less attentive to safe practices. So the rest of us will wait and watch and see how many die. Son XYZ is already out and about (4 different non-essential social trips today - biking, shopping, visiting, golfing), so I will wait and see if he becomes a carrier and kills me. I am resigned. I won’t fight the virus if I get it.
The things that give my life meaning (aside from motherhood and relationships, of course), are all the dilettante non-essential pleasures that pose high risks to my life. Restaurants (cutlery can kill you, even without a knife or fork stabbing you in the neck), concerts, theatre. Too many people, too many germs. Art galleries, museums. Too many people, too many germs. Gatherings. Too many people, too many germs. Even choir rehearsals - why would I risk it? This could mean years.
Years.
Guess what I am missing? Looking at other people. I miss 3-D real people. Not TV people or pixelated video game people, or me in the mirror or Son XYZ. I miss my almost daily dose of seeing faces and faces and faces.
I have dabbled in the Zoom social experiment. I don’t know what is missing in the experience, but it’s not for me. I don’t take pleasure in it, even with my pleasing friends, I am tired by it. I will try and avoid it. Given how hard I had to work to stay engaged with real 3-D people, which I did enjoy for moments, there’s no way I can bring myself to foster a Zoommunity.
Where does this leave me? Reconciled to catering to my introversion - losing contact with people. Thinking about my business as changed for the long-term. Not for the “in-between” until we ‘get back’. But perhaps for years. It also means the things that used to rock my boat, are on pause or stop. There won’t be much to look forward to.
My friends are shattering, and they are shattering in ways that may not be put-back-togetherable. It’s like all the tough stuff they would have had to otherwise endure (dying spouse, a partner who has had a split diagnosis of cancer/not cancer, dealing with the wake of a mentally ill hoarding sibling), has become unbearable for them when set against the COVID-19 backdrop. The people I used to lean on are crumbling. They will not bounce back.
67 days, and I have shifted and settled. I now think I understand the lay of the land, I have worked hard to keep my head above the depression/anxiety waterline and am still breathing. I can keep going.
I think this has given me the clarity I need to settle down and settle in. I understand my most important role is to be here for my kids. So that’s something. But if life is about anticipation and the joy of new experiences, there will be none of that. And I haven’t even mentioned travel!
The good old days are behind me.
Imagine that.