BLOG

79. COVID-19 trapped and unsettled

Another two day stretch where I haven’t been for a walk. My goal is to get out every day, but that’s okay, as long as I don’t make it 3 days in the cell, I will survive.

I am becoming mentally unwell being cooped up. Amazing how a fabulous bright space can turn into prison if you are housebound. In normal times when this happens I would simply go out. Go out for a walk, go for dinner, go to a show, go do an errand, go shopping.

But now out is very upsetting too. Runners breathing heavily (deadly droplets?). The stress of trying to keep that 6 foot distance when the other person doesn’t seem to know there’s a pandemic on offer right now and veers so close. I have confirmed masks are hot and fog my glasses, only on the exhale though. I can see. I can’t see. I can see. I can’t see.

And the stress of new changes. Roads down to one lane to give pedestrians room to pass each other. New signs new rules. People are on edge.

What helps is I knew life can be like this, no joy anywhere, and I also know this won’t last forever. It will get better, or we will adapt and learn to relax, or a little of both.

Or the virus will get us.

78. COVID-19 Baring my Soul

Personal confessions.

Over my lifetime, I have kept my equilibrium and maintained a steadying control to manage my eating disorder. I don’t think anyone in this entire world knows I am prone to anorexia. But photos of me in my most anorexic and vulnerable of days don’t lie. It hasn't been a secret. But my disorder has never coincided with my hanging out with anyone who noticed or cared. This is not a tiny violin, woe is me moment. Just a fact.

Wow. I just scrolled through my blog posts and realized I didn’t blog when I tested positive (not good) for colon cancer.

That was November 2019. I told my kids and was able to gauge my importance in their lives. SonABC was devastated. SonXYZ was irritated that I was bothering him with unpleasant news given I hadn’t done further tests. NOTHING TO SEE HERE.

By January SonXYZ proved to be correct. After more testing I am in fact fine and simply in need of fibre. (Dietary fibre, not moral fibre - I have an abundance of the latter). NOTHING TO SEE HERE.

But in the prep to my test, fasting was involved, and I worried it might bring back the eating disorder. I am so careful to keep eating. Apparently it is important.

Fast forward to GLOBAL NOVEL CORONAVIRUS COVID-19 PANDEMIC!!!!

My son has been so shitty to me, and there really is no one else in this self-isolation to prop me up, and he is ALWAYS (fucking) here, and we have no end in sight, and sadly…tragically…my appetite evaporated tonight.

Tonight was the straw, I think, that has broken this camel’s back.

I didn't eat today. The thought of eating make me nauseaus. I am not blaming my son. He was only the trigger. The problem is my underlying mental health problem. I am only manufactured to be strong to a point.

We seem to be past that point.

Later: As with everything. This was just a moment. The moment has passed, and so has my irate disposition.

76. COVID-19 I can't sleep

It’s not what you think. So many of my world-mates are having trouble sleeping because of anxiety and fear and depression.

That’s not why I was up until 3 a.m.

It is because I didn’t do enough in the day. Despite some exercise, my body just can’t sleep if it hasn’t moved enough during the day. It’s one thing when it’s my own lazy fault.

It’s quite another when it’s the new lifestyle that is here to stay.

75. COVID-19. Urgent Shopper

Here is another difference living in WORLD COVID-19. Shopping is now done almost exclusively online, except for infrequent grocery store expeditions for spinach, cream, bananas.

I was already a heavy online shopper. So not a big change.

Although the process of online shopping is now a depressing necessity rather than joyful convenience. Hence I make a list throughout the week, and do all my online shopping on Fridays.

The other difference? Amazon used to be convenient, fast, and mostly price-competitive. And talk about one-stop-shopping! From apple cider vinegar, to a toilet brush, to a fax machine. But now everyone is on Amazon, it’s not so convenient. Their “2-day shipping” (Yes, they call it “2-day”) is at best a month. And if things are shipping internationally, then heaven knows how long it will take. I have sprouts (survival growing) stuck in a post office in Parkside Saskatchewan. It has been there for 12 days!

Now I try to shop online at individual stores, and local stores. A lot of them offer free delivery as a new service. And delivery is faster than Amazon.

So the difference? As soon as I think of something I might need, I have to think fast about whether it might be hoarding-worthy. And if so, then it’s a rush to find an online supplier and get my order in before it sells out.

And I do this for everything. Not just hand sanitizer (who needs it, if we don’t go out?), or toilet paper. But every little thing goes through the urgent/not-urgent decision-tree. Mostly done with the feeling of a pit in the bottom of my stomach.

Tonight I scored 200 Shop Towels. Apparently, excellent makeshift masks and mask filters.

An hour ago I didn’t know what a Shop Towel was. There’s another difference to my world.