109. Too much too much too much

I won’t label my COVID19 posts anymore, because it’s been years of COVID19 and it may never end. Seriously. That’s how we all feel.

I am losing my mind. We are into the third year of COVID19. Omicron is hugely contagious and rampant. Doctors are now talking about FOUR vaccines. My friends are unhinged.

And it is winter, we have had tons of snow. I used to have indoor parking. I can’t cope.

What shall we add on top? The trucker’s convoy occupying the heart of my city, and our government and police are letting us down.

There is a contingent of open proud RACISTS in the group. Racists with swastikas and racist signs. Canadian racists used to wear sheets and do evil under the cloak of darkness. These people are doing it openly. And they aren’t being stopped or challenged by police. It’s A Okay to be a racist in my town.

I had to go through the occupied area a few days ago to check on a friend’s condo, in the building where I used to live last year. This neighbourhood used to be home. The neighbourhood where people are being told not to go out alone.

The only way to the building was along Laurier Avenue past Kent Street. Kent was a parking lot with trucks lined down the street. There was a very narrow space where one car could pass at a time (even though it is a two-way street). There were protesters milling about, and one, shirtless (middle of winter), with flashing lights on his head and a flag, was dancing wildly (drugs?) in the intersection, and didn’t make way, irrespective of the traffic lights.

There I was an (almost) senior (very) black woman wearing a mask (masks can incite them to harass you too). As there were so few roads open in the downtown core, I looked around for the police officer I assumed would be nearby. They weren’t.

I was on my own.

108. Not COVID19 - Heroic Parenting

This is not a blog about life during COVID19.

I am watching A Quiet Place, and a line really struck me. The two cute kids were out in harm’s way, and one said to the other “He will save us”. This young boy was certain that his father would save him from the monsters.

I think my son needs that kind of sacrifice, to trust me.

We have always had a horribly fraught relationship. And I have loved him constantly and deeply, but I have never had to face real monsters for him. This is a problem, because my daily gestures of good faith in our normal world don’t register on his radar.

I know I have been a heroic mother to him. I have sat quietly, while chastised by his teachers half my age, with no children, as they explain to me how to be a better parent to him.

I have swallowed my pride when he has physically attacked me on the day of the school trip, while all the other students and teachers and parents were sitting on the yellow bus, watching.

That was only one day of physical attacks. I have had to protect myself from his physical assaults from his ages of 2 to 22. He still makes me nervous.

I have had to smile benignly when he explains how traumatized he was remembering his fear when being locked in his room as a young child. I feel for him. He doesn’t feel for a mother who had to do that because experience showed that he could leave her (me) black and blue with bruises, and bite marks. And that doesn’t factor in my broken heart.

My deep love for my child has been greater than A Quiet Place scene where Dad gets eaten by the monsters to save his kids. My love has been a million humilities, indignations, assaults, tests, judgments, and accusations.

In my eyes, I am heroic as I stand by my son. I forgive. I forgive. I forgive. I support. I empathize. I never give up or run away (for long).

In the eyes of my son, I have failed him.

How do I know? That’s what he told me.

I have reconciled myself to the understanding that we may never reconcile. I am not safe with him. He eviscerates me as if it is a casual sporting event. He leaves me eviscerated, like an animal dead after the hunt.

And I love him. If he needs me, I will be here. I AM a heroine in this real-life story of un-dramatic but steadfast love.

107. COVID-19 Vaccinated

It’s been surreal. The only interesting thing that has happened in anyone’s life these days, because of social distancing, has been asking each other ‘are you vaccinated?’ ‘are you vaccinated?’. Which one? (Astrazenica that gives you blood clots, or Pfizer that engorges your heart, or Moderna that hasn’t been given to enough people yet for us to know the risks). When is your second dose? (The rollout has been such a major disaster, a date for a second dose is not guaranteed).

I was vaccinated last Friday. I believe I am the last person in Ontario to get my first dose. The pharmacist said everyone are now on to their third dose. And no, no date for my second dose. According to the doctor, they have no idea when they will get more vaccines. The rollout has been such a major disaster. It bears repeating.

I was frankly stunned at how so many people already embraced the rushed out vaccine, without any trepidation.

Until I heard someone explain it. The stampede was led by the baby boomers who turned it into a hunger games competition - it was an A-type competitive race. No one wanted to be left behind. Everyone wanted to ‘win’. The early winners are now saddled with AstraZenica, the least effective and dodgiest of all vaccines. So dodgy we are no longer giving it to Canadians, we are shipping our leftovers to Africa. We are a disgrace to ourselves.

My arm has been slightly sore, and 46 hours after the vaccine I had to go to bed, I had to sleep for an hour. So far that’s been it. It will take a week or so to know I am past the reactions, but it’s not looking like I will die from vaccine 1.

As the restrictions are lifting, and as I am (FINALLY) getting settled in my new home, I am ready to get back to my ‘daily’ (haha) walks.

OTTAWA | News

Air quality statement issued as wildfire smoke returns to eastern Ontario

From a killer virus to raging fires.

We are living in armageddon (the last battle between good and evil before the Day of Judgment). And if you have lived long enough, you will know evil always wins.

106. An Alternative graduation speech

No one has ever asked me to deliver a graduation speech. Never ever. But I want to make one anyway. 

This is graduation season, and the best speeches are inspiring and stirring. Like watching a documentary where by the time the credits roll, you are fired up and ready to join Doctors without Borders. Even though you didn't study medicine. Seriously. But then you go home, turn on the TV, and settle into your life-as-usual-groove.

In your graduation speech you may hear that if you want to be a future Prime Minister, you can do it.

 At the moment there are 38 million Canadians and 1 Prime Minister. Even if you didn't take a statistical probability course, if I were giving the graduation speech, I would assume that you are smart enough to know that the likelihood of you becoming Prime Minister is not high.

If you have a dream, don't give up, you will hear. I say, it depends on what your dream is. Sticking to one single dream doesn't make you a heroic person. It may show a lack of behavioural flexibility that is going to trip you up. Maybe for the rest of your life.

You have the power to change the world, you will hear. And there are lots of examples of people who made their mark. I say, the world will always have influencers changing our world. But does it have to be you? Remember, there are 37,999,999 other Canadians. One of them might change the world if you don't step up.

If I were given the opportunity to give a graduation speech and to change the world through our young graduates, I would send these messages.

Your degree has given you valuable skills in learning how to learn. You are in the elite of the world's population. Cherish the gift, be curious, ask questions, continue to learn. Your education isn't over, it is just starting.

Think about what you want to do, for you. If you are following a path for your parents ("oh so proud, my child the doctor") or for your image ("ahem, yes, I am an engineer"), or for the money ("of course, I make over six figures a year"), you will be talking to me one day, and that's not a good thing. Keep reading.

If you don't know what you want to do, if you don't have a passion for anything, don't worry. Guess what, most of us don't know what we want to do when we grow up. A good way to focus on what you will be happy doing in the future is thinking about the things you don't like doing. Avoid them. Then go with the flow.

So what makes me the expert on this? Every day I coach leaders who are at the pinnacle of their careers, who are 20-30 years past their own graduations. Ambassadors, CEOs, CFOs, the C-Suite of alphabet soup. These are the Masters (People) of the Universe. They are living the dream. Do they feel fulfilled, and that it was all worth it? Some do, some don't. These are the things they will tell you.

None of them are Prime Ministers.

Never giving up on a dream, can be a foolhardy mindset, and can result in a bitterness that lodges in your belly and never leaves.

Life isn't fair. This isn't just a saying, this is a fact of life. There will be bumps that may never be overcome.

Hitch your career wagon to bosses who believe in you. (This is important). 

Don't hitch your happiness to your career. (This is even more important).

Whatever you end up doing, success will not be your title, your salary, the square footage of your house or the horsepower of your shiny car. It's what you have been told success is, but if you attain it, you will never really feel it, or if you do, it will be fleeting.

You will feel success when you live a life anchored in being kind to others, and being kind to yourself. This sounds like a platitude, but it's not. This is the key to happiness. And it is much harder to achieve than you would think, because the world of work is not set up with kindness as a guiding principle. So this is in fact, counter-culture.

Let me say it again. You will feel success when you live a life anchored in being kind to others, and being kind to yourself.

My convocation message to you, graduates, would be... find out what sparks joy, and fill your life with it. It can be part of your job, it can be a hobby, it can be personal. Is it being a good friend or spouse or parent? Is it volunteering? Is it your work? Is it yoga?  Is it music?

I want you to reject the traditional measures of success (laser-focused goals, salary and square footage), and try to relax into the years ahead. Expect ups and downs. Expect surprises. Expect your goals and ambitions to change. And believe me when I implore you to stop measuring yourself.

Because the measures are all wrong.

105. COVID-19 Curioser and Curioser

So people who have a first dose of AstraZenica have absolutely no idea what the plan is for their second dose.

Oh! Except for a few who had early doses in March. But here’s the catch.

The governments (federal and provincial) have not been able get them into vaccination sites fast enough. Soooo….. Today we find out that the vaccines that were supposed to expire in June, are now (miraculously) fine until July.

This is what angers me. When citizens express distrust in the government, everyone acts like the citizens are stupid. But no one talks about how illogical government is. Or rather, how government is gambling on some big calculated risks to protect the many, possibly knowing some may die in this social experiment.

It’s not about my life. Or your life. It’s a game of chance and numbers and political posturing.

Don’t misunderstand me. We all have to get our vaccines.

I am simply waiting for the clowns in charge to sort themselves out.

I want the Pfizer vaccine.

I want the two doses close together.

I want my vaccines to be fresh, and not close to expiry.

I want a competent nurse to administer the vaccine.

That’s all.