This is not a blog about life during COVID19.
I am watching A Quiet Place, and a line really struck me. The two cute kids were out in harm’s way, and one said to the other “He will save us”. This young boy was certain that his father would save him from the monsters.
I think my son needs that kind of sacrifice, to trust me.
We have always had a horribly fraught relationship. And I have loved him constantly and deeply, but I have never had to face real monsters for him. This is a problem, because my daily gestures of good faith in our normal world don’t register on his radar.
I know I have been a heroic mother to him. I have sat quietly, while chastised by his teachers half my age, with no children, as they explain to me how to be a better parent to him.
I have swallowed my pride when he has physically attacked me on the day of the school trip, while all the other students and teachers and parents were sitting on the yellow bus, watching.
That was only one day of physical attacks. I have had to protect myself from his physical assaults from his ages of 2 to 22. He still makes me nervous.
I have had to smile benignly when he explains how traumatized he was remembering his fear when being locked in his room as a young child. I feel for him. He doesn’t feel for a mother who had to do that because experience showed that he could leave her (me) black and blue with bruises, and bite marks. And that doesn’t factor in my broken heart.
My deep love for my child has been greater than A Quiet Place scene where Dad gets eaten by the monsters to save his kids. My love has been a million humilities, indignations, assaults, tests, judgments, and accusations.
In my eyes, I am heroic as I stand by my son. I forgive. I forgive. I forgive. I support. I empathize. I never give up or run away (for long).
In the eyes of my son, I have failed him.
How do I know? That’s what he told me.
I have reconciled myself to the understanding that we may never reconcile. I am not safe with him. He eviscerates me as if it is a casual sporting event. He leaves me eviscerated, like an animal dead after the hunt.
And I love him. If he needs me, I will be here. I AM a heroine in this real-life story of un-dramatic but steadfast love.